The Cahill's Guide to the Apocalypse
by The Royal Queen of Awesomeness
Summary: The Cahill's official guide to anything impossible or... Possible but only if Zombies are roaming the earth
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note: Hey everybody here is my second story and this one will be featuring 2 of my OCs. Michelle who is Amy's ditzy best friend and Ivy, who is a blood Kabra but likes to think if herself as a Cahill. Basically she is Ian and Natalie's biological sister but Fiske adopted her so she likes to be thought of as Amy and Dan's sister(just because her they're nicer than the Kabra's). Anyway, Ivy is 7 and a bit of a diva. Anyway on with the story.

"FAMILY MEETING! FAMILY MEETING" Fiske announced

"Here we go again" the Cahills groaned as they walked down the stairs

Once everyone was down stairs Ivy and Dan went up to stand beside Fiske.

"Now children, instead if doing our regular meetings I thought we spice it up a bit" Fiske explained"I have asked Ivy and Dan to right a list of signs of the apocalypse that they will read aloud during the meeting"

"This ought to be interest" Amy said under her breath

Dan and Ivy say down and picked up the book and began reading

"Here is the official Cahill "Signs of the apocalypse" list" Dan read.

"1. Natalie, donates all her clothes to charity" Ivy read

"Who's charity?" Natalie asked" and why would I donate my clothes to her"

Dan rolled his eyes

" 2. Ian stops being gay" Dan read.

"I'm not gay!" Ian yelled

Everyone giggled

"Ian you know you are just admit it" Ivy said with a smirk

"I am not" Ian said "so I'm admitting anything"

Ivy leaned over so that she could whisper in Amy's ear.

"If he not gay, then is he secretly a girl" she whispered loud enough that everyone could hear her

"No Ivy" Amy said " he's not gay or a girl. He's just confused"

Everyone started laughing. Ian glared at Amy. She did an innocent little smile back.

"3. Amy stops liking Ian" Ivy read

Amy's smile suddenly disappeared and Ian smirked.

"I don't like him" Amy yelled while blushing

" 4. Dan stops using his nonexistent ninja skills" Ivy read.

"They exist" Dan yelled

"No they don't Daniel" Natalie said with a smirk.

"It's Dan, Cobra" Dan said through his teeth

"It's Kabra, Daniel" Natalie retorted again with a smirk

" 5. Amy goes 5 minutes without yelling at Ian" Dan read

"I can go 5 minutes without yelling at Ian" Amy said confused

"Oh you can Love?" Ian said raising his eyebrow

"DON'T CALL ME LOVE!" Amy yelled

Everyone in the room turned to look at Amy. Amy looked over at Ian.

"You tricked me" Amy said

"Well love I am a Lucian"

Amy just rolled her eyes and looked back over at Dan and Ivy.

" 6. Ian stops stalking Amy" Dan read.

"I don't stalk her!" Ian yelled

"Oh come on Cobra" Ivy said" you sleep with a lock of her hair under your pillow!"

Everyone turned to look at Ian. Amy grabbed her hair, screamed, and ran up the stairs to Ian's room

" 7. Isabel tells us she loves us" Ivy read.

No one responded. Everyone knew it was true but for them, especially Ian and Natalie, it wasn't funny. Amy came back downstairs with the lock of her hair in her hand and sat down.

"Really?!" Amy said holding the lock up to Ian.

Ian blushed and looked away.

"8. Ned and Ted stop finishing each other's sentences"

"We don't" Ned said

"Do that" Ted said

"All the" Ned said

"Time" Ted said.

"What are you talking about" Hamliton said "you literally just did it! And the Ekats wonder why we don't like that.

"There is nothing wrong with all Ekats" Sinead retorted "just my brothers"

"Hey!" Ned and Ted said at the same time with the same offended tone.

" 9. Seriously, the world is doomed if Ian stops being gay" Ivy read.

"I AM NOT GAY!" Ian yelled

Everyone laughed

"10. The Cobras stop being mean" Dan read

"And that is never going to happen" everyone but the Kabra's said.

"It's so true" the Kabra's said" And it's Kabra not Cobra!"

"We thank you everyone for meeting" Fiske announced "we will continue this tomorrow"

Authors Note

Well everybody that's my second story and FYI I'll probably update this one more than the other one

Peace out!

Kay


	2. Chapter 2

**so I just had a lovely fight with my own brain and I lost. This is how it went down **

**me:Im so happy people like my stories**

**my brain: idiot. You forgot the disclaimer **

**me: oh shit I did?**

**my brain: yes now go back and fix it**

**me: can't I just post a chapter with a disclaimer on it?**

**my brain: sure you can(*cough* lazy *cough*)**

**me: hey your mean**

**my brain: thank you I try. Now do the disclaimer!**

**Anyway, that's just a lot of words to say that I DO NOT own the thirty nine clues or any of the characters in the story, except my OC's ****Im not crazy, just strange**

**NightOfTheLivingLolipops**


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note **

**Hey people! Here's chapter 2!**

The Cahill's were all sitting and eating at the dinner table when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in!" Amy yelled

The door opened and in walked Amy's BFF, Michelle Brooks walked in and greeted the Cahill's.

"Hey Michelle" everyone greeted

"Hey everybody" Michelle responded as she picked up the Cahill's Guide to the Apocalypse book, "what's this?" She asked.

"Oh It's this stupid thing that Dan and Ivy made about what signs of the apocalypse we need to watch out for" Amy explained.

"Wow that's so cool, can I read?"Michelle asked.

"Sure" Ivy said

The Cahill's made there way to the couch. Michelle sat in the recliner and opened up the book.

"Number 10" she read "Hamilton stops staring at Sinead's butt"

Ivy and Dan giggled.

"I don't do that!" Hamilton argued.

"Uh... Hammer" Dan said "your doing it right now"

Sinead looked down at her butt and then quickly sat down and put a pillow over her butt.

"Perv" she mumbled.

Hamilton blush and turned away.

"Number 11" Michelle read "Ian stops throwing Ivy in the fish tank"

"You know I'm starting to wish the apocalypse was here" Ivy mumbled "Because it is not comfortable in that fish tank"

"You threw my sister in the fishtank?!" Amy asked angrily.

"You know I'm actually starting to enjoy this book" Ian said smirking.

"Number 12, Ian takes his shrine to Amy out of the closet" Michelle read.

"Oh boy" Natalie said "Now my brothers a stalker and a crazy person"

"I'm not crazy!" Ian argued "and I don't have a shrine to Amy!"

Reagan came from upstairs.

"He're you go Ivy" she said " I got your Barbie out of Ian's closet, and I also found Amy's old toothbrush"

Everyone turned to stare at Ian.

"It's not a shrine it's just some knock knack items I found around the house" Ian replied.

"Really?" Reagan asked unbelievingly "because I found her bra in there too"

"Why do you have my bra?!" Amy asked disgusted.

"He probably needs it" Ivy explained.

"I AM NOT A GIRL!" Ian yelled.

Reagan and Madison giggled.

"Number 13" Michelle read "Natalie stops shooting people with her dart gun"

"Well that's never gonna happen" Natalie said "sweetly".

"Wait what dart gun" Michelle asked.

"Natalie has this dart gun full of different poisons in it, which she loves to shoot at people" Amy explained "Right Dan?"

Dan didn't respond and Natalie was looking surprisingly happy. Amy got up to move the pillow that was in front of her brothers face and sure enough there was a dart sticking out of his arm.

"Really Nat?" Amy asked

"I said that it was never gonna happen" Natalie explained.

"Number 14" Michelle read "Amy loses her virginity before she 40" Michelle giggled.

"Okay now that's just offensive" Amy said.

"You know it's true love" Ian said smirking.

"Shut up Cobra" Amy snapped "and don't call me love"

"Number 15" Michelle read "Ian stops calling Amy love"

"Why on earth would I stop calling Love, love" Ian asked.

"Ian" Amy growled

"Yes love" Ian answered

Amy leaned back on the the couch sighed.

"It's not funny" she growled again.

"Yes well neither is your current impression of Smokey the bear" Ian retorted.

Everyone started laughing.

"Oh I get it" Michelle said " it's because you keep growling!"

Everyone stated at Michelle awkwardly.

"What?" She asked cluelessly

"You'll find out once you read number 16" said Dan who was FINALLY awake.

"Number 16" Michellle read "Michelle stops being stupid... HEY!"

Dan and Ivy giggled.

"I'm not stupid" Michelle argued "In my junior yearbook I was voted most likely to get an AVD!"

"Most likely to get a what?" Ian asked.

"Michelle that's said most likely to get a STD" Amy explained slightly embarrassed for her friend.

"Oh" Michelle said "well what kind of college degree is that?"

"And you two became friends… how?" Natalie asked.

"She used to be friends with Paige Malory, the mean girl at my high school, and they used to make fun of me in kindergarten but then she felt bad for me and we've been BFFs since first grade." Amy explained.

"That explains so much" Ian said relieved.

"Yea" Michelle said "Paige got most likely to get a MVE"

"It was HIV" Amy said with her head in her hands.

"Oh" Michelle said " well Paige's sister was mostly likely to get Eggs, right?"

"AIDS" Amy corrected again.

"Ok I'm getting grossed out" Ivy said "So can we please stop taking about sexually transmitted diseases and go on with the book!"

"SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE" Michelle screamed "Is that what STD stands for?"

Everybody face palmed.

"Just read peasant" Natalie said annoyed.

"Number 17" Michelle read "Fiske makes these family meetings interesting"

"Well I think with this book it's quite interesting" Fiske said "don't you think?"

"NO!" Everyone in the room shouted.

"Just read Ms. Brooks" Fiske mumbled.

"Number 18 Paige stops teasing Amy. Yea that's never gonna happen" Michelle said.

"Is it really that bad Amy" Nellie asked.

"Once in fifth grade she found my diary and copied every page and posted them around the whole school." Amy explained.

Ivy and Michelle started to laugh.

"That's not funny" Amy scowled.

"Yea that's not funny" Ivy said quickly after Amy said it wasn't funny.

Michelle scowled at Ivy and Ivy smirked.

"Hey you kinda look like Ian and Natalie when you smirk" she said.

Ian and Natalie smirked while Ivy frowned.

"Ian and Natalie are my biological siblings but I'm not explaining the whole story" Ivy said "and it's not like Mrs. STD over would even understand."

"Haha that's funny" Michelle said " Wait…Hey!"

"Just read Michelle" Sinead said.

"Number 19" Michelle read "Ian and Natalie stop pretending that Amy and Dan are still poor."

"Well we would stop if they stop acting like peasant" Ian and Natalie said.

"Well you keep calling us peasants even though we're richer than you!" Amy and Dan yelled.

"Michelle read before they start fighting" Madison said "man, if I had a nickel for every time they've had this argument. I'd be richer than both of them.

"Number 20 Nellie admits she can't sing" Michelle read.

"I can sing" Nellie said.

"NO YOU CANT" everyone yelled.

"Nellie your singing is worse than the Cahill peasant clothing" Natalie explained.

"RICHER THAN YOU" Amy and Dan yelled.

The Kabra's and the Cahill's began to argue.

"Here we go again" Madison said.

**Authors Note**

**There's chapter two and now that I've done the disclaimer. I'll update soon. **

**NightOfTheLivingLolipops**


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note**

**Hey everybody! Here's chapter 3! **

**Starcloud: the royal queen of awesomeness thanks her royal subject of awesomeness! :)**

"Who wants to read next?" Michelle asked.

"Da wiz will read!" Jonah said holding out his hand.

Michelle handed the book to Jonah and he opened it up to read.

"Number 21," Jonah read, "Ian and Natalie actually help with something."

"Actually what?" Ian and Natalie asked.

Amy and Dan facepalmed.

"Number 22," Jonah read, "Amy and Dan stop calling Ian and Natalie, Cobras."

"Exactly!" Dan cheered, "which means unless Zombies are roaming the earth I can call Natalie a cobra as long I want!"

"Your exactly right Daniel you should keep calling us Cobras," Natalie said smiling innocently.

"Why are you being nice to me?" Dan asked nervously.

"Because I'm your cousin Daniel," Natalie said smiling again, "and because we're cousins I think that I should be able to call you Daniel too."

"It's Dan, Cobra!" Dan yelled.

"Just read Jonah," Ian said rolling his eyes.

"Number 23," Jonah read, "Natalie stops calling Dan, Daniel."

"OH COME ON!" Dan yelled angrily.

"That's right Daniel," Natalie said chuckling evilly, "which means unless zombies are roaming the earth I can call you Daniel as long as I want."

"You walked right into that one," Madison said.

"I know," Dan mumbled.

"Number 24," Jonah read, "Ian finally admits he's gay."

Ivy and Dan chuckled.

"If I have said this once I have said it a thousand times," Ian said sounding very annoyed, "I AM NOT GAY!"

Ivy smirked and Dan laughed.

"Number 25," Jonah stops using his annoying street slang…HEY!"

"Jonah come on you know that's not really how you talk," Sinead said.

"Yea it is yo!" Jonah defended.

"I swear if you say yo one more time I am shooting you with my dart gun!" Natalie snapped.

Jonah frowned and Natalie smirked.

"Number 26," Jonah read, "Ian stops talking about Amy in his sleep."

"You talk about me in your sleep?!" Amy asked horrified.

"No," Ian said nervously.

Natalie reached into her purse and pulled her phone. She went to the voice recorder and pressed play. A recording of Ian talking in his sleep started playing.

"That feels good love," Ian mumbled in sleep.

"Ewwwwww!" Amy screamed.

"Only Ian can dream about raping Amy," Ivy said giggling.

"Hey you heard the recording," Reagan said smiling, "that was no rape. That was just sex."

"Actually," Natalie said nervously, "that was the wrong recording!"

Everyone turned to Amy with wide eyes.

"YOU MEAN THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED?!" Hamilton asked.

"Wow Amy I didn't think you had it in you," Michelle said.

"W-w-well I…," Any stuttered.

"MY SISTER BANGED THE COBRA!" Dan yelled, "WHHYYYYY?!"

"Just read Jonah," Ian mumbled.

"Number 27," Jonah read, "Amy stops blushing at anything Ian says."

"I don't blush at anything Ian says," Amy said.

"Yes you do love," Ian said smirking.

"No I don't," Amy mumbled blushing.

Everyone raised an eyebrow at Amy.

"Number 28," Jonah read, "Ian goes a day without using his cell phone."

"I can go a day without using my cell phone," Ian defended.

"Oh really?" Sinead asked, "do it right now."

"I don't want to right now," Ian mumbled.

"Oh come on Ian needs his cell phone to look at pictures of shirtless guys!" Ivy said smirking.

"I AM NOT GAY!" Ian yelled.

"Number 29," Jonah read, "Ian stops using his phone to look at pictures of shirtless guys."

"OH COME ON!" Ian yelled.

"Really dear brother?" Natalie asked annoyed, "really?"

"That's just sad Ian," Hamilton said.

"I DONT DO THAT!" Ian yelled.

"Mmmhmm," Ivy said disbelievingly.

"Number 30," Jonah read, "Ian you know you do don't deny it."

"That's it!" Ian yelled standing up, "I'm leaving!"

Everyone else was rolling around laughing. Ian left the room.

**Authors Note **

**Well that's chapter 3!**

**Until Next Time!**

**NightOfTheLivingLolipops **


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